'This week on Pete Versus Life,
'the would-be sports scribe with the poor social skills
'meets some truly terrifying opponents.
'Ros, the only cougar to have slept with a member
'of John Major's cabinet, and Gareth Gates.
'Anna. Her favourite TV show is Sex And The City,
'but she turns it off during the rude bits.
'And Duncan, the high-flying banker who can't get to sleep at night
'unless he's sacked someone.
'Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.'
Welcome. I'm Colin King.
And I'm Terry McIlroy.
And we join Pete at a Premier League football club,
not for a game but for a charity art auction,
the proceeds being split between a clean-water initiative in Togo
and a luxury players' spa.
Thank you.
Oh, actually, I might just take another one for my friend who's coming in a bit.
'That's prudent. You never know when they're coming round again.
'Pete now approaching a glass box full of sand.
'It's called The Forest and it's expected to go for 50,000.
'I'm saying nothing.'
Well, what do you think?
Er...
Well, I think it's a very interesting comment on the...
on the ravaging of Earth's resources.
I'm not the artist.
Oh. Well, in that case, it's a bit on the shit side, isn't it?
Oh, I like you. I'm Ros.
I'm Pete.
Please don't let this put you off bidding. Oh, I'm not bidding for anything. I'm only here for the free food.
Oh, I love it when two worlds clash like this, art and football.
Mm. Yeah. Me too. So, which team do you play for?
I'm doing quite well with you, aren't I?
If I did play football, it would be West Ham.
I used to have such a crush on Geoff Hurst. I remember...
Hang on. You can remember Geoff Hurst?
I am 50.
You're 50?! Are you sure?
If you come back with me later, I'll show you my driving licence.
'Oh, that to me sounded like a clear concrete offer
'of sexual intercourse. What's he going to do, Terry?'
Well, until she mentioned her age, he was definitely up for it,
experienced older woman etc. But 50 might be a bridge too far.
Which way is he going to jump? Let's find out.
Driving licence, you say?
Well, maybe I could have look to see if you have any fixed penalties.
I've got dozens.
'Promising.'
I'm a very naughty girl.
'Oh, that is quite a house, eh, Terry?
'Yeah. They had to knock down a 14th-century church to build that.
'Ooh, and I think that is a hand on the bum.'
Yep. Let's take a look at that again on Hawk-Eye.
There's the hand coming in.
Smack in the middle of the left cheek.
'Oh, and now they're off.'
I've never been home with a MILF before.
What's a MILF?
Doesn't matter.
Come on. Tell me.
Well, it means, um...
'Oh, dear. He's desperately trying to think of some other words
'that might fit the acronym MILF.
'Oh, dear. He's a poor lad. There's nothing there.
Come on, Pete. You can't shock me.
It stands for...
Mother I'd Like To Fuck.
Technically, I could be a GILF.
A grandmother you'd like to fuck.
Really?
Don't move.
I'll be back in a sec.
'Oh, she's off to the bathroom,
'and she's mentioned grandmother. Doubts starting to creep in.
'Crikey! Vitalize Senior +. That is a first.'
'Pete's granny used to do that when she came to stay at Christmas.
'And that to Peter sounded like
'dentures being dropped into a glass of water.
'Well, his imagination's running away with him, Colin.
'Yes. Pete now wondering
'exactly what is going to come back through that door.'
Oh, what a relief.
I'm going to fuck you into the middle of next week.
OK, then.
'The morning after the night before,
'and it has to be said, he's loving this Hampstead lifestyle.
'Aye, he's just had a shower in a wet room
'large enough to wash down a racehorse.
'He's enjoying his breakfast in this fabulously-equipped kitchen.
'State-of-the-art espresso maker, wine cooler,
'and best of all, Pete's favourites, Choc Boulders.
Ah. Good morning.
Hello.
Don't mind me. I'll grab a quick coffee and get out of your hair.
OK. I hope you don't mind, I helped myself to some Choco Boulders.
Yes, help yourself to anything.
Anything at all. I shouldn't even be here.
Right. So... w-why are you here?
Ah. I didn't hear you come in last night.
Well, it was very late.
And... good morning to you.
Get off! That man might not like it.
This is Duncan, my husband.
Oh, hello.
Peter. My new lover.
Well, early days.
Peter. My wife and I have an open relationship.
I only hope you enjoyed her.
Oh, yeah, it was very nice, thank you.
Good.
Russell Brand called. He wants his trousers back.
Yeah, well, I didn't choose them, did I?
You look like a 26-year-old having a mid-life crisis.
They were chosen by a middle-aged woman.
You're behaving a little bit like a prostitute.
I'm in a bit of a grey area, but I wouldn't say prostitute.
Look at this. It's Nepalese silk.
At least I won't have to buy you a birthday present this year.
Who said that?
Oh, and I think I know what I want.
You know in old films, when girls jump out of cakes, I'd love that.
A girl, dressed as a cheerleader, jumping out of a cake.
I don't want to ruin any surprises, Pete, but I can categorically say
that's not going to happen.
Hiya.
Oh, hi, all right, Anna?
Guys.
Aw. I've just thought, this really is the old gang from university...
me, Ollie, Rob...
And Anna.
Oh, yeah, it goes without saying.
I've just thought what I want to do for my birthday.
You know we keep saying we're going to go back and visit the university?
Well, we should do it!
Oh, yeah.
Look, I don't mind organising it all. Anna, can you drive?
Oh, and would you mind booking the hotel as well?
Um, actually, mate, we... we did all go up a couple of months ago.
What do you mean?
We would have asked you, but you weren't around.
I'm always around.
Well, there wasn't enough room in the car, anyway.
Oh, there's only three of you.
We took Dave Hodgson.
What did you take Dave Hodgson for?
He doesn't just talk about sport. And he chips in for petrol.
Oh, thanks very much. And anyway, I don't only talk about sport.
I've got a degree in social sciences.
It's still a BA Honours.
Look, mate, what about next weekend we all go to Alton Towers?
I'm not six years old.
You went to Legoland.
I had vouchers for Legoland.
Look, I can believe this off her, but you two?!
She has got a name, Pete.
I see how it is.
Well, I'm going to see someone tonight who loves me for who I am,
not how much petrol they can get out of me.
Oh, come on, Pete. Don't be like that.
Pete, come back.
'Oh, difficult to flounce out in leather trousers.
'Let's have another look at that.
'Pete making quite a good fist of it, though.
'Quick word about Dave Hodgson here, Colin.
'He once tried to eat 50 boiled eggs in an hour,
'just like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, but vomited after only eight.
'Bad luck, Dave.
'So Pete's still dressed in that Byronic outfit.
'Yeah. Bit out of place. Looks a bit like a nervous vampire.'
Peter.
You're late.
Yeah, sorry. I was... I was walking and I lost track of time,
and then the bus didn't come and...
Should have got a cab.
Can't afford cabs.
If you need money, you should just ask.
Well, I couldn't do that.
Of course you could.
My husband's very, very rich.
Oh. Can I have 100, then, please?
Enjoying my wine?
Yes, thank you. It's very nice.
Very nice.
What an incisive description of the '72 Bordeaux.
I don't suppose you get much...
That's right. I've been doing a bit of digging on you.
Seems Ros has gone for her usual standard of chav.
I went to university.
Yes, and got a 2:2, I believe.
Yeah, it was better than I was expecting.
Ah. My two favourite men.
Well. Three's a crowd.
I'll leave you two lovebirds to it.
Here's the 100 you asked for.
I didn't say anything about 100.
Ooh... take it.
I feel a bit awkward.
'Yeah, but not enough to give it back.'
You don't mind, do you, Duncan?
Not in the slightest.
What's mine is yours.
Are you sure that Duncan's
quite as on board with this whole open marriage thing as you are?
Oh, of course he is.
Now, do me.
I might need a minute.
No. Now.
'I think that is the point
'where Pete crossed the line between kept man and gigolo.'
As the bard himself said, "To thine own self be true."
And he's not being, is he, Colin?
Indeed, no. We're back after these.
You join us in the house where Pete rents a room,
and, goodness me, Anna is on the sofa.
I just wanted to apologise.
Oh?
I haven't been able to sleep.
I just feel so bad about not asking you to come on that trip with us.
Yeah, well, I appreciate you coming over,
but I don't think I can accept your apology.
Oh, come off it, Pete.
You once shot me with an air rifle, and I forgave you.
Yeah, well, that was just physical pain.
And anyway, it was an accident.
Pete, I got it. Oh, sorry, Anna. I didn't realise you were here.
We've got an infestation.
I've been catching them with these humane traps.
Where do you release them?
They can come back in.
Ah, no need to worry. I just take them outside and stamp on them.
Kurt! What?
Anna doesn't want to hear about you stamping on mice.
Back in Zimbabwe, stamping on the mice was the woman's job.
Oh, well. Come on, then, little fella.
Let's get you stamped on.
Well, anyway, about the trip.
I am really, genuinely sorry.
Don't worry about it.
No. I know what it's like to feel excluded.
I've never told anyone this before,
but when I was at school, my breasts were really slow to develop
and by 15 I was still completely flat-chested.
You've got lovely breasts, Anna.
Well, I do now, but, as I say, back then, there was nothing down there,
and I was very self-conscious about it.
Anyway, this one time after Games when I was still getting changed...
All right, Anna.
Some of the day girls rushed in with some of the town boys
and saw me naked and made some rather unpleasant remarks.
Seriously, I don't want to know.
They called me Pancake Tits!
Pancake Tits? That's nothing.
Aw, look, you've got a smashing pair now.
Stop it.
We haven't always got on brilliantly, but Rob's a very lucky man.
I know I'd love to put my head between them, give it a good old...
Would you, Pete?
Yeah, course I would. Anyone would.
Thanks. You're sweet.
Actually, Rob likes to do that.
I know, he told me. Oh.
It's Sunday, and Pete's taking Ros for lunch at his parents'.
How did she persuade him to do that?
Let's take a look at the earlier action.
Let's do something together this Sunday. Just you and me.
Oh, no, I can't. I've got to go for lunch with my parents.
Oh, fantastic. I'd love to meet them.
You've got to be fucking kidding!
I'm not wearing any knickers.
Do you like roast potatoes?
Oh, you can't blame the lad for giving in on that one, Colin.
While Ros is applying her make-up, let's take a look at Pete's parents.
Frank, former BT worker, likes to think of himself as being
very good with his hands, but he's only average, as we can see
from these bird tables and bird boxes he constructs in his shed.
The birds sense it, Terry, because they very rarely use them to nest.
Yeah, very much so. Noreen, a part-time cashier at Santander.
Last year, she was suspected of stealing in excess of 140 grand.
Luckily, it turned out to be a computer error,
for which she received a full apology and a gift voucher.
That gift voucher was exchanged for a kettle which later broke.
Oh, Peter, there you are.
Oh, where's your girlfriend?
She's just parking the Beemer. Look, before she comes in,
she's quite a bit older than some of my previous girlfriends.
Oh. How much older? She's 50.
That's only two years younger than me.
Yeah, but she looks a lot younger. I mean, she looks 42.
Tops. I thought I'd let you know she is a very arty, sophisticated woman.
All right? So just lay off the traffic chat and, please,
don't take her to go and see your bird tables.
What's wrong with my bird tables? And everyone uses the roads, Peter.
Yeah, I know, and I'm happy enough talking about the traffic,
but she's used to talking to interesting people,
and I just don't want to get off on the wrong foot.
Right. So we'll try not to be as boring as normal, shall we?
That'd be really good. Thank you.
And don't go into a big thing about the Rickmansworth frost hollows.
What weather phenomenon can I talk about? Is El Nino off the menu?
If in doubt, just don't say anything, all right?
Hello. Sorry we're late. The traffic on the way up was a nightmare.
Ah. So... did you come up the M1 or the A41?
This beef is absolutely delicious.
Well, we went to Waitrose for it.
Normally, we just go to ASDA or Tesco's.
Mum, Ros doesn't care what supermarkets you went to.
Don't be silly, Peter. I do a lot of shopping at Tesco's Online,
but it's not the same as being able
to have a good poke around to find the bargains.
That's why I don't shop online.
And you can't use a computer.
I must say, I love what you've done with this room.
Whoever painted it did an absolutely brilliant job.
That was me, actually. Wow.
But I chose the colour.
It's called "white but not quite".
It's perfect.
Thank you.
So, how long have you and Pete been together?
Not long. We're still at the bunny stage.
What's the bunny stage?
Where you still fuck the whole time.
No, we don't.Don't be so coy.
Your mum and dad know all about fucking. That's where you came from.
Is it too late for you to have children yourself, Ros?
Mum! That's all right.
No, the menopause has put paid to all of that.
I see.
Noreen, didn't you find that the menopause liberated you sexually?
Since I went through it, I've been fucking like a barn door in a gale.
Dad, what were you saying earlier about the Rickmansworth frost hollow?
You told me not to talk about that.
No, I didn't. It's a place, right, at the bottom of a hill,
where all the cold air collects.
It's one of the coldest places in Britain, isn't it, Dad?
Oh, I tell you who'd be fascinated by all of this. Duncan.
Who's Duncan? It's Ros's friend.
He's my husband.
You're married? That's right.
We live together, but we have an open relationship.
Oh. Really?
No need to be so disapproving, Noreen.
I think they can be a very good thing.
Why force yourself to sleep with the same partner
night after night, year after year? Frank!
No, I don't mean us. I mean, in principle.
Lee Miller used to have one.
Who's Lee Miller?
She was Man Ray's muse. A very influential figure in 20thC art.
How do you know about Lee Miller? I read a book.
What book? When? I read books, Noreen.
Ken Follett. I read very widely.
She photographed virtually every major artist of the 20th century.
Fucked every major artist of the 20th century.
What's for pud, Mum? Trifle.
Oh, probably not arty enough for him.
What would Lee Miller have for pud? A fuck, probably.
Well, Ros has been getting Pete some birthday treats,
one of which seems to be some sort of hair-ironing treatment.
Yeah. She's paid for him to have a 500 makeover,
including skin cleanse and body scrub.
Doesn't look overly delighted with the result, Terry.
And to tell us why, here's legendary agony aunt Claire Rayner.
Hello, love. What's the story, Claire?
Well, poor fella. He doesn't like himself at all,
does he? His self-esteem is that big.
It's high time he started paying for their treats himself
and not just leave it to her.
Wise words from the master.
Mistress!
Well, let's see how he gets on with that.
You get the coffees, I'll be back in a sec.
Oh, that's not a good start, and I bet he keeps the change.
Pete? Chloe!
I thought it was you. Hello!
It's great to see you. I love what you've done with your hair.
Ah. Yeah.
Thanks. So how are you? Like, are you single at the moment?
Came out wrong. But are you?
Pete. But yes.
Pete clearly delighted to see his ex.
Aye. She's a beautiful girl and she can light up the room
like the floodlights at Old Trafford.
Nicely put, Terry.
I definitely would. Thank you for that.
Are you single at the moment?
Yes, I am. Yes, yes, yes. Definitely yes. Yep. Yes.
Well, right. Who was the woman you were sitting with?
What woman?
That woman you were with?
Oh, that was my auntie.
Oh. I thought she was probably a bit old to be your girlfriend.
Girlfriend? Oh, weird thought.
No, that's my Auntie Ros.
I'm spending time with her because she's feeling a bit down,
she's got a few sort of age-related things starting to kick in.
Oh. Like what?
Mm? Oh...
varicose veins, that sort of thing.
Aw!
Yeah, I know, it's terrible.
Well, I'm in a bit of a rush. But you've still got my number.
Give me a call sometime.
I will. Definitely, definitely, I will.
Good. OK.
Oh, hello. Hi.
I'm Ros. I'm Pete's...
Yeah, I explained the set-up.
Good. Isn't he adorable?
Get off!
Listen to him. He hates it when I'm affectionate.
Stop it.
You've got to go, haven't you?
Er... yeah.
Well, it was lovely to see you again, Pete.
And it was nice meeting you.
Your legs look lovely.
Oh. Thank you very much.
Why was she complimenting me on my legs?
Oh, cos she's a lesbian.
That meeting with Chloe certainly got Pete thinking.
He can't quite believe he's allowed himself
to be this dominated by a wealthy older woman.
Not too proud to drink the wine or indeed eat the Bombay mix.
No, indeed.
Here they are!
My loyal wife and her latest bit of rough.
You're drunk. Tell me, Rosalind.
What do you prefer about Pete's cock to my cock?
Do you two ever just talk about the weather?
No, it's not just his cock I prefer, Duncan.
Pete, tell me, do you enjoy fucking my wife?
Can we please just stop using the proper word for things?
Why? You are fucking her with your cock, aren't you?
Yeah. But why can't we just say "how's-your-father" and "willy"?
You little prick. If you wanted me,
Duncan, you should have done something about it 20 years ago
when you were fucking everything in your office.
This ship sailed a long time ago.
Yes. And with the ferry doors wide open.
Perhaps you'd like to stay and watch while Pete gives me a tit fuck?
I didn't agree to that!
Oh, don't worry about him.
He makes a lot of noise, but he can't do anything any more.
You bitch.
Looks like Pete's had enough.
He's got to get out of this degenerate relationship and maybe,
he'll have a change to get back with the pure and wholesome Chloe.
She was certainly up for it.
Chucking a woman - new territory for Pete.
He's always been the one being chucked.
With little to go on, he'll be relying on his TV viewing.
Ros... we need to talk.
Kicking off with Neighbours.
That sounds ominous.
This situation, it isn't healthy, for either of us.
EastEnders.
Don't get me wrong, I love all the stuff you've given me.
Oh, that's not so good. It was his own.
It's just that I feel like... my identity is being stifled.
Holby City.
This wouldn't have anything to do with that girl this afternoon?
She's not a lesbian, is she?
Hollyoaks! I wondered when that might make an appearance.
No. That, that's got nothing to do with it,
cos I think we both know that things haven't been right for a while
and I think if we get out now,
we could finish it before either of us really hurts the other one.
It's the jackpot!
Then there's nothing more to be said.
Thank you for everything, Peter.
Aw.
Pete's unexpected display of moral fortitude paying big dividends
as he's now going out once again with the lovely Chloe.
Aye, and it must be love,
because, unprompted, he's taken her round to visit his parents.
Well, he's a glutton for punishment.
Aye. It'd be simpler to stick his knackers in a light socket, Colin.
Terry!
All right?
Where's Ros?
She's not coming. Oh, dear.
I was really looking forward to seeing her. She's not ill, is she?
No. Actually, Mum, we broke up.
Oh, wonderful!
Hello.
This is Chloe.
Oh, hello, dear. Hello.
Hello, I'm Frank. Hi.
I like your shirt.
Oh, thank you.
Quick question. Where would you say is the coldest place in Britain?
I don't know.
Somewhere in Scotland?
No. It's actually just down the road
in Rickmansworth.
Really?
So now we join Pete on his birthday
and we can track him here on his way back from the pub.
He's made up with his mates,
and things seem to be going from strength to strength with Chloe.
Whose birthday present for him was a 2 friendship bracelet
from Camden Market.
If he was still with Ros, it might have been a Rolex.
Aw, this is fantastic!
Ollie, you remembered, mate.
Oh, that's the least we could do. Felt a bit bad about the trip, so...
I've had to keep it a secret for days. I've been bursting, man.
I'll get some beers. I'll give you a hand.
Oh, and I'll have a quick clean out of the traps
and then rustle us up some food.
Aw, thanks, mate.
That's all right.
Aw! So nice of you.
And thanks so much for not bringing Anna, as well.
It's, like, so much nicer without her, isn't it?
She told me a really weird story the other day. When she was young,
yeah, her breasts were really slow to develop,
and obviously all the girls at school hated her, obviously,
and when she was getting changed, they got a load of boys to come in,
and all the boys called her Pancake Tits!
Who's in the cake?
You shit!
Oh, hello, Anna! I wondered where you were.
Aw, you should have waited.
Come on, Rob. We're leaving. Oh. OK.
Who wants to see a mouse?
Chloe, you remember Anna.
Hiya. Hi. And actually, I'm a 34B!
Peter. I need you.
I miss your cock.
Pete?
It's only when I'm fucking you that I feel alive.
You've been fucking your Auntie Ros?!
Yeah, there's no good way to answer that question.
No, Chloe. Chloe! Peter...
I've taken some pills.
I'll call an ambulance.
And that is it.
What was all set to be the perfect end to a birthday evening
now looks like it's going to be spent in the Casualty department
of Chase Farm Hospital,
listening to a middle-aged woman having her stomach pumped.
Oh, we've all been there, Colin.
Not all of us, but not all of us have played top-flight football.
My highlight was Pete's new hairdo.
No contest for me...
Well, that's enough of that. Just enough time to say goodbye...
Goodbye.
And join us next time, when once again Pete takes on life.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells